Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use
how?
not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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