sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
ill give you some hints: blood, carnival, fog machine, happy meal.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
