I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I need to calm my uterus...
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
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