thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize