Tell him to shut up cuz i said so. I lost my dollar shoe :(
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
okay just a general question, but if i got arrested, who here would bail me out. this is important.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
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