How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
PAAAANTS ARE FOR AAAASSHOLES
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
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