I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
good morning. i just did a walk of shame in front of his grandmother.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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