you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
