she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
