Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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