i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I imagine my service panda will provide sufficient protection. At the very least it will be an irresistible cuddly distraction while I make good my escape.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
