Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
