there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
todays sighting is titled: Bum taking pictures with an invisible camera.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
Okay everything with a penis is officially dead in my eyes
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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