He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Randomize
