I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
