Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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