just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Randomize
