So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize
