Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
I actually just took 17 pictures of some guy at the gas station that needs to marry me now
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
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