Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I believe you can. But if you can have rum with breakfast then do that. Definitely do that.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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