Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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