No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
Is it possibile to sprain your taint?
She was that bad?
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I just forgot I was standing up.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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