Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize
