so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
remember that party we went to sophomore year where we found that girl and had the orgy? Im totally at that house right now.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Randomize
