I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
