just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
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