nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
After going down on me he either said "there, it's over" or "there's an odor"... I couldn't hear him and was too embarrassed to ask him to repeat himself. I just got dressed, grabbed my bag, and left. So I don't think there's gunna be a second date. =(
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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