Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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