My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
