The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
