I really think my calling is to star in a Live Links commercial
So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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