she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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