So you refered to him as "monster dick"...not so much
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
