I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
she told me i tasted like america
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
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