This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
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