having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Randomize
