What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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