Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I just had sex on my kitchen counter. It's like the American dream
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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