all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
OUR DIABOLICAL SLUT PLAN HATH COMMENCED!
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
you're hired as official boob wrangler
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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