Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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