My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
