if you like me you must not know who I am
Jerry, you need to find god
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
