An eyelash just fell out into my container of rice. Searching for it, i took a single piece of rice out at a time coming to the coclusion that i should not be this high while eating rice.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Randomize
