READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Randomize
