Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
He always takes me to get taco bell after we hook up in his car. It's sort of become a booty call tradition.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
