On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I don't know but this 12 year old kid is soaking up all of our bad morals like a super tampon on the second day of my period
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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