smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
