I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
