oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
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