ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
