I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize