Please don't use social media to get back at me.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I couldn't find pants for like 20 minutes so I was butt ass naked just sitting on your floor
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
Randomize
