bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
