I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
