**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
