Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
You owe me beer. On another note, I made out with the ups guy at work today ....
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
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