Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
